my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i out mim tonsoeep
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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