soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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