I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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