You just made me feel so damn special
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
