God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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