Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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