watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
