maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
