I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
