i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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