he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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