In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
