I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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