It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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