I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
