If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
