If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
