My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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