I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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