If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We left an ass print on the piano.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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