Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
