I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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