Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
