i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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