just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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