don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
