I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The best revenge is premature balding
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
