Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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