Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
