I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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