OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
