I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
