I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
