this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...