you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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