(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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