Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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