Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
