dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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