Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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