Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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