I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
