you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
