My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i came on her dog
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
