You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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