I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
