matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
