I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
