in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize