Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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