I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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