I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
