The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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