Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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