I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
