and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
