I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
