One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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